The Judges: Week 12

Each week 10 judges will review two short synopses from films that are currently in development.
The objective is to all (that includes us judges) learn from the exercise.

Please comment on our comments!


Creative Commons License photo credit: swanksalot

If you have an opinion on any of these synopses or the feedback from the judges, please share it with us in the comments below.

Please keep the discussion constructive. Even if your first instinct may be subjective, try to give us as objective a reply as possible.

MORNING GLORY


“Sixty-nine year old Dolly, a country town ‘Saint Teresa’, has her goodness tested to the limit when she is mistakenly impregnated by Glory, a neophyte angel, and refuses to give it up even though it was meant for her best friend and neighbour; Rachel.”

 

The judges’ votes:


 

Do you want to see this film?

Yes: 40% – No: 30% – Not sure: 30%

Would Australians want to see it?

Yes: 30% – No: 30% – Not sure: 40%

Would it work in rest of the world?

Yes: 30% – No: 30% – Not sure: 40%

The judges’ verdict:


 

Steven: The story is rather confused and can’t make up its mind what genre it wants to be. Dolly would make a great character for a serious drama, but the Glory/angel thing makes it all sound whimsical and silly. Better would be to ditch the angel and have Rachel accidentally discover some dark, non-supernatural, secret about Dolly’s distant past that threatens to destroy their decades-long friendship.

Dolly would make a great character for a serious drama,
but the Glory/angel thing makes it all
sound whimsical and silly.

 

Jack: The synopsis suggests a good comedy, although sixty-nine year olds generally don’t make great protagonists. Does Dolly need to be that old?

This film could either be a comedy or horror depending on your views about a woman being pregnant at 69yrs old.

Nina: This film could either be a comedy or horror depending on your views about a woman being pregnant at 69yrs old. It’s a little bit confusing that Dolly is brimming with all this goodness but doesn’t want to give up the baby. Rather than being tested maybe her flaw could be revealed i.e. she has always dreamed of being a mother. Also, there doesn’t seem much at stake for Dolly now that she is with child.


MR PIP


“Set on the island of Bougainville, where civil war is raging, Mr Watts, the only white man on the island, offers to step in and reopen a school. His first act is to read ‘Great Expectations’ to the students. In young Matilda’s eyes, the character Pip is as real as any living person. But after she writes his name in the sand, the soldiers see it and vow to track this stranger down. Their search to find him will have devastating consequences for all.”

 

The judges’ votes:


 

Do you want to see this film?

Yes: 10% – No:  60% – Not sure:  30%

Would Australians want to see it?

Yes: 10% – No:  10% – Not sure:  80%

Would it work in rest of the world?

Yes:  0% – No:  50% – Not sure:  50%

The judges’ verdict:


 

Margaret: Who is the protagonist? At first it seems like Mr. Watts, and then Matilda, but then neither of them seems instrumental in the plot, only the set-up. It’s also not clear why the soldiers would care who Pip is. During a raging civil war, I can only assume they would have more important things to worry about.

Who is the protagonist?

Kim: This logline includes lots of telling details and gives the reader a good sense of the story and the journey that will be taken. To improve it, it needs some good editing: editing for length and to punch up the word choices to give it more energy and drive.

This logline includes lots of telling details and
gives the reader a good sense of the story

Robin: Interesting new world. I have difficulty believing the leap required to see Pip written in sand to then assume it’s a hostile stranger.



The Judges (click for details)



So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?

 

Please give us your opinion in the comments at the bottom of this page.


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Adrian Kok

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