In this section we are publishing the loglines from the participants of the Circalit / Story Department “First Draft Script Contest”. Our judges have reviewed the loglines and give you their considered feedback. It may help you craft a powerful logline.
by The Judges
The Edge of Beauty[box]
“Alan loves Lizzie. Lizzie loves muscles. The hyper-visible male body ideal collides with one boy’s love in this dark, romantic tale.”[/box]
The judges’ verdict:
Steven: “The first 80% of this logline conveys a light, comedic tone. Which is completely at odds with the allegation of this being a ‘dark,’ romance. You can’t have a tonal contradiction in a logline. In addition, there’s little that’s immediately distinct about this story in contrast to all the other unrequited love stories that have already been done. Better to have written ‘Alan steals and doses up on steroids to win the affection of the town goth. But she does not impress easily. Only by taking macbre risks will she begin to take notice of him.”
You can’t have a tonal contradiction in a logline.
Jack: “We are told this is a dark romantic tale, but it sounds more like a comedy. If Lizzie just loves muscles than we assume that she is fairly empty headed. That means we don’t care if Alan doesn’t win her. How about, ‘A sixty kilo weakling tries to grow his muscles to win the girl of his dreams, but_’.”
If Lizzie just loves muscles than we assume
that she is fairly empty headed.
That means we don’t care
Robin: “This is interesting and gives a fairly fresh take on the issue.”
Zombie Escape Map[box]
“A group of high school friends must deal with a Zombie outbreak, that they predicted”[/box]
The judges’ verdict:
Dave: “How exactly will the school friends ‘deal’ with the outbreak? Would they have guns? Also, who does the story focus on – I can only imagine an ensamble piece but there is usually a main focus in such films. I don’t know how important it is that they predicted it either. In the logline I guess the breakout is the inciting incident but I don’t know where the story will go afterwards.”
Who does the story focus on […]
Steven: “Another Zombie film?! Oh please! Why not throw in a petite blonde stake-stabbing girl to complete the copycatting of prior franchises? As boringly simple as they come. “
As boringly simple as they come
Phyllis: “Unless this is an hilarious black comedy horror in the tradition of Buffy, I’m not interested. Sounds like an excuse for busty D grade actress’ and bimboys with fab pecs -, on second thoughts…”
If you have an opinion on any of these synopses or the feedback from the judges, please share it with us in the comments below. Please keep the discussion constructive. Even if your first instinct may be subjective, try to give us as objective a reply as possible. The objective is to all (that includes us, judges) learn from the exercise.
So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?
Please give us your opinion in the comments at the bottom of this page.