In this section we are publishing the loglines from the participants of the Circalit / Story Department “First Draft Script Contest”. Our judges have reviewed the loglines and give you their considered feedback. It may help you craft a powerful logline.
by The Judges
Jason and the Astronauts[box]
“With the help of Colchian Princess Medea, Astronaut Jason liberates the magical golden fleece from the planet Colchis in order to win the throne of his home planet Iolcus.”[/box]
The judges’ verdict:
Dave: “I like this, I can see the end point and a clear goal. I also know the setting. Despite the clarity, I don’t know the inciting incident, an antagonist or weakness, nor struggles or conflict. I can guess at them and I can see the journey will be difficult but the logline doesn’t mention it. I would guess at Princess Medea being part of the love story but that would seem to be more of a subplot which I don’t think is necessary here.”
I don’t know the inciting incident, an antagonist or weakness,
nor struggles or conflict
Robin: “There’s a fine tradition of sending classics to space – and an update is due – but if I had never heard of it, the logline wouldn’t really sell it to me. The main character has a goal but it lacks emotion. Who cares if he wins throne? Maybe there’s someone who deserves the throne more.”
The main character has a goal but it lacks emotion.
Who cares if he wins throne?
Jack: “As Jason is famous he is the only name the logline should contain. The other characters and planets could be “a beautiful princess”, “a forbidden planet” and “his home planet.” ”
“Amongst the ruins of a bunker on a small Island, lies an ancient power. Sought by the evil Norokai, three children must stand between them and world domination.”[/box]
The judges’ verdict:
Robin: There might be a good story buried in this logline. I feel it could be worded better so it gets us to the heart of the story. “Amongst the ruins of a bunker on a small Island” – is that actually relevant? It probably makes sense once you see the location and context and know the story but we don’t.
I feel it could be worded better so it gets us to the heart of the story
Steven: “This concept could work, but the logline needs to be rewritten. Perhaps the film’s title reveals too much as well. A better logline would be “three children play in the ruins of a North Sea island. One discovers a glowing object. This object is coveted by the immortal Norokai who will stop at nothing to acquire it in their quest to return the world to darkness.””
Perhaps the film’s title reveals too much
Jack: “It might be better to describe rather than name Norokai. Is he an evil sorcerer or a bad wizard? We will remember the description, but not the name.”
If you have an opinion on any of these synopses or the feedback from the judges, please share it with us in the comments below. Please keep the discussion constructive. Even if your first instinct may be subjective, try to give us as objective a reply as possible. The objective is to all (that includes us, judges) learn from the exercise.