In this section we are publishing the loglines from the participants of the Circalit / Story Department “First Draft Script Contest”. Our judges have reviewed the loglines and give you their considered feedback. It may help you craft a powerful logline.
by The Judges
“A musician living under a repressive regime falls for a woman he’s never met. Will he find her- or will it be too late?”[/box]
The judges’ verdict:
Robin “The mystery of what’s going on isn’t interesting enough to make me read script/see film – perhaps if more of the characters’ story was given?”
Perhaps if more of the characters’ story was given?
Steven “This story could conceivably work as a romantic film. But the logline fails to sell it right. It should tell us about the musician and the fact that he has found a photo (or letter) from some woman he has never met. A woman that has captured his imagination to the point that he is prepared to risk being arrested by military police to seek her out. Telling it this way entices the reader to care more “
This story could conceivably work as a romantic film. But the logline fails to sell it right.
Jack “The repressive regime is obviously an important element in this film. But it only needs to be included in the logline if the regime is the reason that the musician will have difficulty finding the woman.”
Fortune Favours The Bloody Careful[box]
“A hapless village policeman struggles to prove that a heart attack victim was actually murdered, while trying to win over his childhood sweetheart.”[/box]
The judges’ verdict:
Jack “This could be improved if there was a hint of what was at stake. Is there a connection between the crime and the winning of the childhood sweetheart? Will the policeman have to solve the crime to win her? That would be more interesting. As it stands the logline just tells us there are two stories.”
Is there a connection between the crime and the winning of the childhood sweetheart?
Dave “I was interested in the first part, but then it adds ‘trying to win over his childhood sweetheart.’ The logline shows that there are two stories here, why is he struggling to prove the murder, and why is he trying to win the heart of someone right now, with an ongoing investigation? Also, why is this case important, it doesn’t make clear why this is an important time in the ‘hapless’ policeman’s life and why we should care about the story/character.”
The logline shows that there are two stories here.
Nina “A flawed main character with two goals – great! Revealing the stakes and the obstacles would further strengthen this logline.”
If you have an opinion on any of these synopses or the feedback from the judges, please share it with us in the comments below. Please keep the discussion constructive. Even if your first instinct may be subjective, try to give us as objective a reply as possible. The objective is to all (that includes us, judges) learn from the exercise.
So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?
Please give us your opinion in the comments at the bottom of this page.